


Field of Flowers

by TheMadNoodler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirk is an emotional babu, Fluff and Angst, It gets better I swear, Jake is Amazing, M/M, One sided love?, Profanity, Shitty Title, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 12:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5417132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMadNoodler/pseuds/TheMadNoodler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS FOR MY SON OMFG</p><p>So yeah. Angsty DirkJake everybody! Yayyyy... <br/>Oddly enough inspiration for this struck when I read the Lady of Shallot poem even though there's no direct correlation really between the two. Much of the dialogue I lifted straight from MSPaint and I messed around with some of the dialogue but I'm still not entirely confident I have the voices of the two down.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Field of Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS FOR MY SON OMFG
> 
> So yeah. Angsty DirkJake everybody! Yayyyy...   
> Oddly enough inspiration for this struck when I read the Lady of Shallot poem even though there's no direct correlation really between the two. Much of the dialogue I lifted straight from MSPaint and I messed around with some of the dialogue but I'm still not entirely confident I have the voices of the two down.

Day in day out you sleep, eat, train and repeat. There is no variety and no change in your life. Nothing at all. No, that’s a lie. Sometimes you don’t sleep. You don’t eat and you don’t train. Those are _the_ days. Days when your loneliness is so crippling you can’t move, can’t do anything but curl in on yourself and wallow in your own disgusting puddle of self-pity and hatred. Ah yes, those are the days.

 

Today, it seems, is one of those days. You’re lying in your bed, lying in the same stinking clothes you wore yesterday and you want to shower, dear lord you want to shower. Let the stream of water wash away the sluggishness of your mind and the impurity which sticks to your skin like dried mud, yet your body refuses to move. Refuses to respond to the impulses sent from your brain via your nerve cells, down your spinal cord to the equivalent muscles in your body.

 

And you hate it. You hate this cursed body of yours. Hate your brain and your weak will and you want to be rid of it. You wish you could just kill yourself now. In fact why not do it? You could do it right now. Jump off this godforsaken  building - if you could call it that- and end it all here. You feel your leg twitch. Seems like your body is down for the idea.

 

You’re sick of this. Sick of meandering through the days, listless, lifeless, dead. The bed creaks as you sit up and push off onto your feet. You blatantly ignore Lil’ Cal as you shuffle out your room. For a moment some twisted part of your brain wishes he would speak up and tell you to stop. Too bad he’s just a puppet.

 

He probably doesn’t even belong to you. He was just _there_. Most likely you stole it from some poor sucker from whatever planet you came from way out in space. Besides, if Cal really was alive, you bet he would’ve pushed you off the platform himself.

 

The sea is particularly beautiful today. The sun is shining. The waves are lapping. It’s serene. Tranquil. The light bounces off the water’s surface and your breath catches at the ethereal play of colours glinting iridescently below. Suddenly you’re having second thoughts about doing this. You wouldn’t want to sully the only beautiful thing out here too.

 

But then you imagine returning back to your room, suffocating in its vociferous air which saps away at you until you’re nothing but a shrivelled husk, and you decide that you’ve already ruined so many things, so what’s one more? _At least I’ll be extrinsically clean._ You think mirthlessly as you gaze at your own reflection in the water; nothing more than a blur of orange and black.

 

_Well, I suppose this is it. I always knew I’d go out with a whimper. Sorry big bro. I’m sure you would’ve been disappointed if you could see me now. You’re the gaudy type, if your movies are anything to go by so I bet you would’ve wanted me to die a hero like you. Or you wouldn’t have cared. You would’ve despised me too I suppose. Well, you’re dead anyway so what does it matter?_

 

You’re stalling and you know it. A wave of shame washes over you and you release a depressed sigh. _Goodbye I guess, to who or whatever asinine figure is up there._ Steeling your resolve, you slowly tip your body forwards, feeling gravity pulling you, almost greedily sucking at your mass as your eyes are fixated on the shimmering waters below, so alluring in their depthless blue and-

 

PING! The sound and visual notification suddenly floods your senses and you barely manage to pull yourself by - very elegantly might you add- windmilling your arms backwards until you could regain some control.

 

Oh my god.

**golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:57**

 

No, you cannot deal with this right now.

 

**GT: Hey.**

**GT: Are you there?**

 

Fuck! Of all the times he had to appear.

 

**TT: State your business, Jake.**

**GT: Straight to the point as usual I see!**

**GT: Cant a gentleman just shoot the breeze with his old chum?**

**GT: Bro?**

**GT: Dude?**

**TT: Jake, this is the shittiest attempt at false sincerity in order to try and curry some asinine ‘favour’ from me that I have ever seen in my entire life and, let me tell you, you can see fuckton when you’re stranded on some anathemic island with fuck all to do but scour the internet daily in hopes that you’ll find some tawdry entertainment to occupy yourself endlessly with.**

**TT: So, I suggest you cease this falderal before it evolves into even more of a virulent trainwreck that it already is and, fucking hell is it a trainwreck. It’s like you’ve gotten a trainwreck and thrown another couple of ones in there for shits and giggles.**   
**TT: All those writhing, hulking metal masses gyrating and grinding against one another because of you.**

**TT: Now it’s like some metallic trainwreck orgy.**

**TT: If you are vying for something I suggest you spit it out.**

**TT: Now.**

**GT: Oh what an insufferably awesome friend you are!**

**GT: Although im not quite so certain about the uh…**

**GT: Trainwreck i think i get the gist of it.**

**GT: In all honesty however i really would just like to have a gab with you. Its been quite a while since our last titter and i have to say despite your uh interesting analogies ive missed you dude.**

**GT: Hows the old buddy been doing?**

**TT: Just the usual old shit. Building bots, and flipping out with my sword and stuff.**

 

And attempting to off myself.

 

**GT: Ah i havent been having the most adventurous of lifestyles either.**

**GT: But at least those cumbersome plants have stopped trying to bite my caboose off!**

**TT: Plants.**

**GT: Exactly! I still keep a few knickknacks here and there from my grandma and unfortunately that includes man eating plants.**

**TT: I see my technological prowess was wasted on you if you’re unable to handle a few plants.**

**GT: What?**

**TT: Nothing. Carry on.**

**GT: Right. So as i was saying those damned plants just upped and poofed! They just vanished and frankly i say good riddance! Good for nothing pests they were.**

**GT: Always donking up my killer double barrel pistol jump with their confounded vines.**

**TT: Get to the main story, English.**

**GT: So since theyve gone theres just bit a huge influx of flowers. Popping up likes weasels at a fair game. I dont know whether it was my grandmas doing but even so hoo boy they are quite the sight for sore eyes!**

**GT: I just wish i could show you them somehow.**

**TT: I have seen pictures.**

**GT: Phooey to that! Simply not the same as the real thing dirk!**   
**TT: You don’t say.**

**GT: I do say! What a bother that my transmaterializer cannot be adjusted to send these flowers to you. Im postively certain you wouldve loved them!**

 

And God do you know you would. You can imagine it now; riding valiantly on a certain rainbow-haired horse as she gallops through the flowers, Jake’s eyes wide in awe as the hooves kick up a whirlwind of colour. In a totally non-homoerotic way of course.

 

Your shades _ping_ again but it’s oddly blurry and you squint at the words. Surprised is an major understatement when you feel something warm slide down your cheek. Oh no. Oh _Hell_ no.

 

You’re Dirk-fucking-Strider. Master of the swords. The Van Gogh of computer art. You build _killbots_ for fuck’s sake and here you are. Shaking like a baby suffering from milk withdrawals.

 

And you’re crying _oh my god you really should just end it here-_

 

**GT: Dirk?**

 

That’s right, you’re still talking to Jake. Okay, keep it cool. Get your shit together Dirk.

 

**TT: By some miraculous chance, I think you may be right.**   
**  
GT: Huh?**

**TT: Just what I said.**   
**  
GT: What did you say?**

**TT: What you said.**

**GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro!**

**TT: Nah, it'll be funnier this way.**

**GT: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!**

**TT: Moving on.**

**GT: Jesus christofer kringlefucker dirk if you were here right now I would surely throw down my glove.**

 

And it’s back. The thought that you could be there with him, in the field of flowers and fuck you cannot claim that this isn’t the slightest bit gay anymore because it totally is.

 

Ironically, this conversation has been anything but romantic. In fact, the last thing said was a potential challenge-which you will get him back for later-but nonetheless, you have to remove your shades momentarily.

 

You dig the heel of your palm into your eyes, relieved by the temporary pain it brings. You’re scared to pull your hands away, knowing that they’ll come away wet so you just sit there, face in hands, elbows on thighs, heart in throat.

 

When you try to take a breath, you’re _aghast_ by the sound that slips past your lips - a fucking _sob?_ \- but once you’ve started, you can’t stop. And you cry, fuck do you cry. You wail and bawl and scream until your throat is raw but still, the lump stubbornly refuses to leave.

 

And that inundating loneliness and depression suddenly hits you like train and once more your head swirls with the thoughts of suicide. Even the water has faded and you hate it for its attempts at spurious colours.

**GT: Dirk?**

**GT: Hey old chum you alright there? You seem to be out of the sorts today.**

**GT: I do hope im not disturbing you.**

**GT: Egad! I am arent i? Look i know i can be a bit of a lunkhead and whatnot and im sorry if im busying up your time with my beeswax and buffoonery but**

**GT: Just ah hell gimme a moment to dander up.**

**GT: I enjoy talking with you dirk. Youre my best bro and if it werent for you im sure my pugilism wouldnt have excelled as much as it has.**

**GT: And as uh entertaining as my little robot friend is i cant help but often wish it was you here instead. Yes yes youve told me before that youve yet to tinker that gizmo of yours to teleport you over but you know what?**

**GT: I believe in you. So make haste with your technical shenanigans and get your ass over here so i can whoop it!**

****  
  


You wish you could hate Jake English, you really do. Your obsequious behavior is sickening as it is, not to mention you’re sure you would prefer a viable partner with more than just cotton between his ears. And yet here you are, gazing at the wall of green temerity as you lower your body and dangle your legs over the edge.

 

**TT: Big words English, big words indeed.**

**TT: Let me tell you something though.**

**TT: I am a fucking ninja and go fucking nuts with the sword.**

**TT So you better prepare your premium ass because I will be canning it when I get there.**

 

You can’t pretend that you aren’t affected by the paralysing fear of loneliness, nor can you imagine this place to be your welcoming home. The water will stay its caliginous blue and you will still go back to your mundane routine.

 

**GT: Ill be waiting strider.**

 

But you have a purpose now. Somewhere in your mind, your subconsciousness guffaws at your pitifulness but for once, you don’t care.

 

It’ll shut up when you see the field of flowers.

**Author's Note:**

> Four gray walls, and four gray towers,  
> Overlook a space of flowers,  
> And the silent isle imbowers  
>  The Lady of Shalott.
> 
> She lives with little joy or fear.  
>  Over the water, running near,  
>  The sheepbell tinkles in her ear.  
>  Before her hangs a mirror clear,  
>  Reflecting tower'd Camelot.
> 
> ~
> 
> Don't forget to leave a kudos and a comment! Even just a quick hello is so valued!


End file.
